“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.” ― Neil Gaiman

I know it will be hard, but I want to try to make a post at least once a week. Haha, don't believe my words!

Happy holiday everyone! My 5th semester officially just finished, then I and my friends are just to wait those random scores appeared in siakad. Lemme say that I don't wanna expect too much for my GPA this semester since I do realize that I am so undisciplined and peevish. But wish my luck, anyway ^^

Well, then what am I suppose to write?

Oh, I tell you something about me-and-mymom-talk. It happened few weeks ago, when most of subjects in my college had finished. So, like this, seriously I don't wanna show off or something, I just wanna share okay? I've been in college for about 2.5 years, since the first semester I never got C in my siakad and or got remedial test (oh i ever once, with the whole class), until that day. When I took a look at the announcement board, and I saw my name written in the list of students who should join the remedial test. I was shocked, of course. The subject is Pragmatics, it is actually subject I should take in the 7th semester, but I and my two friends; Ani and Anis, take it in this semester. I was not only shocked, but I was also so sad. Why? It was simply because, it was only my name, only me, and my two friends passed the test. When I read my name, then suddenly I felt like I was the stupidest students ever.

I got a slap, then the voice in my mind said, "Alright Ang, your time to play around is just over!"

And yeah I realized it, I have to stop lying in my bed, sleeping all day long, postponing my works and responsibility. My bad, my bad

At night, I have a small talk with my mom. She was lying in my bed after sholat maghrib and I talked to her.

"Mom, I got a remedial test."

"What subject?"

"Pragmatics, it's 7th semester subject. And only me should take the remedial. Ani and Anis no need."

"Then what have you been doing so far, you always study until midnight even until morning, but you still have to take remedial?"

That sentence gave me the second slap in that day. My mom always worried when I stay up late in front of my monitor, because I have kinda illness which always attacks me when I get too tired and my mom takes it so seriously. She's only know that if I face my laptop, it means that I do my study, homework and other college thingies, it's not entirely wrong. I did those thing, but I also online at the same time, check my TL and facebook page, did blog walking, download several songs and video. Hohoho.

I felt so sorry to my mom and my self, like I just disappointed her.

So, yeah, what my mom said woke me up and I felt so bad, fortunately she never thinks too much about my GPA, she didn't really care about it, because she believes that I've already known what should I do, and what's belong to my duties. And it's okay for me to take the remedial test, I have to pay it off!

I can't lie to myself that few months recently, my mind is busy thinking of something that actually I don't wanna think about. Believe me that it's complicated!

I'm afraid of some people and my self. Afraid in literal meaning, makes me unconsciously refuse him/her. Getting know people more, makes me get more afraid. Their thoughts scare me alot. Oh, there's a person I was quite close with, but as the time goes by I realized that his thoughts are, somehow, not fitted in me.

I have to say that it's a hard work to refuse someone, I know it's a bad thing, but I have to do it for some reasons.

The other problem is that I'm kinda girl you can't be nice to. I will easily be sympathetic with someone who treats me well. And I even hate it more if it's done by boys. I just so bad to have a deal with boys :o

The most scary thing is that I'm an easily-like girl. I like people easily. I'm afraid of not being able to control my feeling. I was ever been close to a boy several years ago, we were friends. We hang out quite often, we got dinner, we talked, shared, had chitchats. And there was a moment when I realized that O'oh! it's not right, I should not like him, then I decided to stop my self, to stop everything. Haha. So, I run away.

It will be so dangerous to like someone, I mean really like someone. It will direct you to something called love, and love is so that complicated thing don't wanna talk about. I stayed away from him and yeah it made him totally confused like 'what the hell is going wrong here?'

Do not ask me, it was a complicated thing to describe. I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of ignorance, I'm afraid of having different perceptions of close relationship. Someone told me that when a guys be nice to you, it means that he is nice, not because he has another means. But, oh come on boy, our ways of thinking is not bloody hell that simple!

I will not put myself in something that I'm not sure whether I can be on it or not, like I don't wanna start the thing I can't finish, I don't wanna try something that I even not sure it's gonna be working or not. Listen that girls love to guess, but shit, guessing is tiring, questioning is killing. They hate something in between, they hate uncertainty.

When I haven't known about the boundaries, it will drive me crazy. So I only have 2 choices, go on and take the risks or stop and walk away.

You should already know that I'm the loser of the year, so can you guess which choice I take?

Kisses and Hugs, Anggra