“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.” ― Pablo Neruda

Well, let's say that it's officially my first post. So, what will I write about?

It's another superb tiring day, another gloomy Monday. It's been raining since afternoon. Getting worse 'cause I had an extra long class today, started from 1pm to 5pm. What a day!

I can't say that there's nothing happen, I mean the interesting one. Something happened, several things for precisely and I learn a lot.

Alright, I know that it's not that superb romantic Saturday night, but so sorry if I want talk about, what you guys call it, Love?

I am, personally, lilbit afraid of using that word. Love is kinda serious thing, like you can't use it for random things. Okay, love that I mean here is literally love, like you have feeling towards others, in opposite gender especially.

It's hard for me to define what love is, it seems like big matter for me. But anyway, I ever felt that way, I loved someone, like for about 7 years? And he, the one that I loved, never knows about this thing. Crazy, no? I never confess my feeling, I keep it for those years. At first no one knows, like I really keep it by myself, until one day, there was point when I felt like I wanted to explode, like God I couldn't hold this any longer. I needed someone or probably several persons to talk to, to share with, about this feeling. And yeah, I was only in that point, share it to other persons, not directly to the man I loved. Chicken? You can say so.

Tired? Of course, like you wait for nothing. I was so much exhausted, physically and mentally. Then at the end of the day, I sincerely let my feeling go; set it free. I felt much better after that. There was no feeling left behind. Surely it's hard to do, it's not easy to throw feeling away meanwhile you have been keeping it for 7 years, but I tried to be firm to myself. I realized there will be no one happy if I did that way. So, yeah here I am.

And like I said that something just happened today, the complicated one perhaps.

Love is like wind, it can't be seen but we can feel it. Someone may not know that I actually had been falling love to a guy for years, unless I tell him/her. I may be good enough at pretending like nothing happens, but I think when people tries to dive in me, what's in my mind, what's in my eyes, what's in my hearts, then they will know.

Some people may be brave enough to show, confess, express what they feel, but some others may be too shy, scared, unconfident to show it up. It's humane I suppose. Yeah, I'm probably the second type. Love is sacred for me. I like people, but it doesn't mean that I love him. I adore people, but it's not that easy to say that I love him as well. It's somehow difficult to explain.

A friend of mine, today, show me another point of what does love mean, especially for him. He shows me what braveness is, what sacrifice is, what is giving without hoping to get a back. He takes those risks, he lets all those feelings fly freely. *on tears*

And then when I backed home, I sat down quietly while thought about one thing. Do you have one Ang? How brave you are? I keep thinking that okay, this is different. I am a girl and he is a boy, it should be tolerated, right? See? I keep making excuses, but you all should know it's clearly different. Boy and girl. We have different way of thinking, it's quite difficult to match those two mindsets.

I love someone at the moment, but my anxiety and fear knock my feeling down. I have a thought that I will not start something that I think it's not going to be working. Coward? Yes I am. Since I believe that love is sacred, I don't wanna make it as a game. I don't want if one day my relation would break up, then I have to find another person, and yeah the circle happens again and again. Don't you think that it's tiring? I just wanna be with one person, and it will be long last. That's what I think. Naive? Yes, perhaps.

I always think why a person can be so easily end up his relation and get another girl, or it's simple for a couple to break up and make up again. I think that when they have a commitment to have a relation, they also have to struggle in everything they will face up in future, seriously relationship is not something you can play in, make fun of it. Well, you can call me granny because my way of think, but oh okay this is what I think; I keep thinking.

Oh, however. One lesson I also learn today.

The thing happened to me years ago, now happens to my friend. I let the man I loved go, I let him go to find his own happiness and I set my self free to find my own happiness as well. I believe that all those things happened between us are supposed to mean something. I believe that I can learn so many things from things we had gone through. And I believe if we are made to be one, then it will be that way tomorrow, or perhaps next month, or even next year, must be one day.

Dear you my friends, I do really hope you guys be happy, no matter what happen, after all you've been through. Find your own happiness, if you can not do it for yourself, at least do it for your surroundings. I do believe if you are meant to be together, let God show you the way, someday.

Kisses and Hugs, Anggra