GEEK

Sometimes you are not able to find the most appropriate words, sometimes you don't know how to convey  the feeling inside, sometimes you are confused of how to show all things on your mind, sometimes you can only think, wonder, be mad, get crazy or even cry. No, not because of you are sad, it's more because you don't know about those hows above.

Would you have another deep conversation with me again while having blueberry toast and hot choco-coffee? Would you share the most embarrassing things you had ever experienced like when you cried about miss-problem happened between you and your brother-alike?

I miss those moments, I do really miss the moments when we can talk about everything light and random, but anyhow all those topics are so memorable for me. I miss how we can share our drink without any awkwardness. Then I suddenly think that maybe it's just a common hang out time for you, like you had with another bunch of your friends.

I still remember the first time we went out for jogging. And how we talked about our strange behavior while driving, do you (still) remember? Yes, we said to each other that we did love to talk to our selves while driving. It was also the first time I knew that you did love to watch Korean channel whenever you were home.

I miss and love those beginnings, when we talked, shared and exchanged our musics. I do want to say massive thanks to you. Thanks for introducing Yuna to me, thanks for those superb songs of The Trees and The Wild. They are still my most favorite playlists until now. I do wanna say thanks to those TFNB's which indirectly made us even closer.

I still remember a funny moment when we accidentally met in the corridor then suddenly you sit beside me and said enthusiastically to me and ask me to play guessing lyrics, then you sang The Noble Savage by TTATW. It's even absurd when you left your phone on the top of my bag, then I called your name to remind you that you had left it. Your answer was so stupid yet funny. You said that you intentionally left it there so that you would have reason to come back. I know, I know that you might be purely kidding, but I don't know I found it was really cute.

I miss our chats, I mean literally chats like we did on facebook and twitter. More than a thousand chats about super weird things and topics. I miss how your name always appeared in the first chat list. I miss how I saw your account on my top friends list. But it's now no longer the same, your name never appears again on my first chat list, your account doesn't appear on the top friend list. Your position is replaced by another accounts. I miss our silly meaningful conversations.

I deadly want to do that again, yes having ronde and asle time together. How we spend the night by sharing and discussing simple things, like what shampoo we use, about friendship, about our habits. How you asked me to ride "becak lampu" and how I definitely refused it. And I remember how I complained to you because you got lost alot. I said to you that you had to explore this town by your own, so that you would not get lost no more.

I remember how you asked me to help you in Syntax. I remember when you asked me to cut off my nails. I remember when you helped me to flip the ballots for the chief election. I remember how you always said that I was so creepy since you often gaped me being alone in a silent corners.

It’s still on my mind how you asked me to go to a theater show last year. How you texted me to know where did I sit. I love when you asked me to wave my hand so that you were able to know my position, even love more when you moved beside me so that I didn’t enjoy and sit alone. I miss our laughs during the show.

I miss our conversations through messages, though you prefer to meet up face to face, though I hate your very late reply, I do miss it as well. I miss our chit-chat when me met in the corridor. I miss when we met in the central library though we didn’t talk so that much.

I love when you told me that you join certain competition, I love when you asked for my pray so that you would get the best result, I love when you told me that you would move from your recent boarding house dealing with your another big life decision. I love when you asked me to have a meet with you because you wanted to know why I did not suggest you to move at that time. I love you listening to my advices though I still don’t know what was your last decision because you never told me after that.

I wanted to repeat when we kept texting during charity concert on 2013, I remember when you yelled like stupid when the singers sang beautifully. I remember our favorite song at that time; If I Ain’t Got You.

I hoped for your another text on the last upgrading, like what you did in our first one.

I do apologize because I never give you answer, even until now, when you asked me to be your closed friend. I feel so sorry. I’m sorry if I let you don’t know about some things, I’m sorry if I had to lie to you, I’m sorry if I kept distance on you, I’m sorry for treating you differently in sudden.

I have so many fears on my mind that for this so long I can’t tell you what.

I’m afraid of my self for honest, I’m afraid if I can’t control my self. Dealing with everything; feelings, treats, behaviors. I don’t want to put my care too much on you, but I can’t. I want to give clear boundaries between us, but it gets blur each day.

I’m afraid if I have different perceptions about all those things and that relation, I wish I didn’t. I’m afraid if I’m, in fact, the only one who pays attention and expects too much from all things.

That’s why we can’t be as close as we used to be. It’s clearly my false, I tell you.

I know that we still have bunch of promises to be done; to have a meal together. I promised that I would treat you, wouldn’t I? We would play badminton, even when it was in front of our eyes we never made it real. Sorry. You said you wanted to borrow my book, but you never asked me for the follow up.

Sometimes I think that maybe we have heap of differences so that it’s really better of us to stay far away from each, but I tell you that this brain can’t compromise.

I do believe if we are meant to be like we used to or even more, there will be a way, there will be a chance, there will be the best time. If we would never get the second chance then I said sorry and thanks for all things I have written above. It’s actually still too much to say, but yeah.

I’m afraid of saying everything directly to you, you may call me coward, that’s why I always pretend and act that I’m fine and nothing goes wrong.

Thank you. Thanks for telling me about "saling". I'll always remember that point.

What I miss the most is that the way you call my name. “Ang!” I miss you.