"I'd been where I had been. I didn't know at all.” ― Sylvia Plath

I'm a weaker, a dreadfully weaker.

If you want to know what's on my mind, then I'll tell you.

I'm tired. No, not tired of life. I'm tired of this uncertainty. The uncertainty I, no you, no! The uncertainty we create.

So, why don't we try to make all those things clear?

It's your faults, oh no it's mine, or maybe it's ours. Why don't you help me to fix those all?

"Oh shit! what you said is true, but what I mean here is that: Am I included in things we need to be fixed? Is there any guarantee if I am one of things needs to be fixed? How if the thing needs to be fixed is actually far away about me. As you know, I'm pretty afraid if I have to face this kind of things. One of friends said that I should not guess, say maybe, unsure, and so on. I keep thinking so because so far there is nothing yet, which can make me sure that all things are meant to be us. I'm tired of being like this. Like okay if you do feel the same as I do, if we both think we have the same problem, then let's solve these shits. Why I should be the one who starts everything. I'm a girl."

"How about things you guessed work in opposite? Alright, I think you have to be brave to do gambling. Anonymous says that life is a gambling. This way, how if the fact you are part of things need to be fixed, yes great! It will go inline with what you've been hoping for since you want the same thing, you want to fix it as well. If it's not part of things need to be fixed, at least you have fixed something you want (I mean in this case, your problem has done though the opponent' hasn't done yet.) Complicated? Yes!"

"Maybe I'm afraid of being disappointed. I'm afraid if the fact is that I never be part of something needs to fix. Wanna get Alzheimer, seriously. I should have never known before, we should never had any kind of relationship, we should have never been so that close. I know there should be nothing to be regretted, this is part of life process, but still there's no one wants to be in this position. It's like when you already have all those tools to repair your bicycle, but you are afraid to get oil. If only it can be considered done, I'll release it with full sincerity. But it seems like God doesn't give any blessing. Let us act like usual, like there's nothing between. Never. But again, even until now I have not been given any way out."

"I agree with your statement 'no one wants to be in this position', you also said that you're afraid to be disappointed, but we know that everyone is. And we know everyone will (ever) be disappointed eventually. No matter how hard we avoid to get disappointment, in the end of the rope we will. That's what I mean by asking you to gambling. If you are succeed in settling down your fear to start (something you really want to fix) and confess. If you win, you'll be happy. If you lose, you'll be disappointed. And if you do nothing a.k.a not decide to gambling, you will never win/lose indeed, but you will keep guessing whether or not you'll win the lottery if you join it. I did it too few century ago. No need longer story, the point is I did gambling and lose, and I get disappointment because of it.

Starting with "Hay", then let God do the rest. Deal? Think that this is the last time. If it doesn't work, you may stop it. You know that you are brave enough to start but you keep denying."

"I'm confused, for serious. But I do really realize that all things you said are correct. Even for deciding whether or not I want to do gambling is still blur. Maybe I'm not as brave as you, to be ready to get all those good and bad possibilities. Now I'm thinking, like is this for real God? This is what You mean for me to do? I hate to cry over something I can't even understand. Everyday I pray to God to erase all these feelings, let me be free with no feeling left behind, but God has not said yes yet."

"I used to be afraid too. Don't know how can I be in this situation. Maybe You haven't been sure yet, haven't been brave. Haven't instead of Don't. Maybe someday, when everything has changed. Maybe God want you to go through these. After all, in the end of the day,  God will tell you about the best ones."

"Then how about waiting God for giving me the most obvious signal to take my first step?"

Or this all about a superb big misunderstanding. My understanding which keeps believing that we have the same thing to be fixed. How if the fact is that I'm the only one has something to fix, and you have nothing. Do we have the same perception? Or do I the only one take it as a big matter, while you think it's just nothing. Nothing that will be smelted as the time goes by, and finally will disappeared perfectly.

We do really need a coffee, or a choco-coffee? A great light and couple of magic songs.

I'm a people watcher, but I'm not a mind reader. I can't know or even understand what's on your mind.

I hate guessing, I hate predicting, I hate to say 'how if', so why don't we have a face-to-face to create a clarity?

-Anggra-