“I despise my own hypersensitiveness, which requires so much reassurance. It is certainly abnormal to crave so much to be loved and understood.” ― Anaïs Nin

So, I wanna start this blog by expressing my loud laugh. Hahaha! *well, it's not a gimmick, I do it for real*

Why did I do that? It's simply because this world and those people get so funny time to time, don't they? No, well they got scary.

I've ever written in my previous post of what I've been through during my elementary school. Yes I got bullied, like get beaten and mocked. It causes my fear of people. It causes me being hard to fit in everybody, both I just met or been familiar with in years.
I hate to share my weakness, I tell you. Like sharing about what I'm afraid of, why I could be so down in certain time and why I cry alot due to in-understandable reasons. I hate it alot since it makes me even weaker.
I hate to act that I'm strong enough to face any trouble, in fact I'm always broken inside. Oh .. de profondus clamo ed te Domine.
I am actually so weak.
I easily get angry, I hate people so easily even before they have a chance to mention their names. I sometimes cannot handle my emotion on expressing what my feelings inside; happiness, anger, sleepiness, tiredness, boredom, any of it. I hate to know that I am so hypersensitive.
I am so invulnerable. Sidney is right, I'm so apathetic, thus makes me being so invulnerable with others' talks, others' thought, others' comments. Anyhow, thing that actually makes me anger is that my incapability of handling myself to stop putting much care on those things above. And knowing how it can be very quick ruining my mood for days and even weeks is such a dreadful matter.
I hate of being unable to memaklumi people so often. Once and second are humane, but third is not.
Oh God, as I grow older, please give me that bigger heart as well.
How I easily make friend with new people and how it's such a battle to be friends with people I've known since elementary school. I wish I had a thought that all people are nice, warm and understandable.

I don't wanna fight with anyone there since meeting them is already a hard battle for me, it's only how I'm scared like hell with some of them and how my defense works out so badly.

I wish I could be nice to all people, I hope I could forgive people as easy as taking a breath, I wish I could be able to forget all bad things happen to me in a flick.
But again, I'm only human. I fall for many times, I cry, I scream for those shits. I am so lame.
I always want to be a person who could jump my self into gatherings where I can argue and debate about one and another topic, but sometimes I find it's really exhausting and undoubtedly scary for me. How they will yell and cut off people talks only for getting a chance to speak their mind and unconsciously force people to agree with their scary selfishness. That's why I rather admitting their right rather than breaking my voice only for get lose. This is how my brain works and how others may certainly disagree with that.
I want to take all people's bad saying as jokes then I can laugh even to my self because I realize how super funny it could be. How I could compromise with all those comments and dive to the deep of my heartless mind.
I realize that there are bunch enemies hate me like hell, and how this eyes decide to ignore seeing the point. I can't hold on into you guys, I just can't. I cannot please you as the way you want, I cannot crawl and beg you to stay close with me while you deserve to mock at me. Hit me and I'll get stronger.

There was a person asking me why I'm so perfunctory to some people, then I answered that I thought some people were just okay if they not knowing me, not getting attention of me and even not getting hay from me.
Yeah, I still think that way even until nowadays. Why? No, I didn't mean to be rude or arrogant, it's because heeey who the hell I am? I am just Anggra. I wish I could be important to all people but the truth is I can't. So why people seem so fucked up when I'm not even greeting them? Why couldn't I be so silent and acting so bitchy? Nope, that silent is depressing me as well, I still try to figure it out how can I untie it from my heart.

Oh God, forgive me for being such a bad person. Every day I wake up and keep trying to release all negativism both in mind and heart. I know it's impossible to wish for getting an understanding and love of each person, but let me know myself better each time I open eyes in the morning.
Blessed them, all of them who seem so miserable due to my bad. I don't wanna blame them, because You teaches me that blaming is not the way to learn.

Ouch, well that is a long post ha?
Anyway, I don't wanna accumulate my debt, so here they are the chart of the month. Finding some great new musics. Hope you guys love it as much as I do.
1. Twin Forks - Cross My Mind
2. Family of The Year - Hero
3. The Once - You're My Best Friend
3. Little Suns - Sunboat
4. Little Suns - Ship and Globe
5. Jake Bugg - A Song About Love
6. Willamette Stone - Heart Like Yours
7. Tom Odell - Long Way Down
8. Magic! - Don't Kill The Magic
9. Magic! - Rude
10. Yuna - Dan Sebenarnya

All in all I wanna say thanks and sorry for those and those. I hope nothing's missed.

 

I'm just Anggra, no need to struggle so that hard, people :)

Love you at max!
Kisses and Hugs - Anggra